Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
