I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
