Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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