You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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