i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
