Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
