Your face is a jimmy john
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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