If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
foreskin is a definite game changer
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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