Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just gargled with NyQuil
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
