When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
