Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
