soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
