it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
