Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
