I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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