It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize