apparently the secret to your success is patron
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
