Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
