I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
