I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
