the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
