I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
