she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
