If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
