so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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