I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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