Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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