yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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