FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
