Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
