If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Randomize
