My hand turned me down
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
