that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
