If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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