if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
