Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
