at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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