Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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