Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
