She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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