kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
