this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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