i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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