you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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