Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
