i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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