I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
