I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
