i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
