So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
