So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
