Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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