The maid of honor just puked.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
