she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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