i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
