My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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