I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
