You just made me feel so damn special
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
