Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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