my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
