Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
