I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
